Looking forward to the future

In the matter of a week and a half, I'm going to be a home owner. Wahoo! The hubs and I have worked very hard for this day to come. It's been really hard to watch all our friends and even family members purchase homes while we stayed behind and rented. We have loved the neighborhood we live in now, and especially our church community, but we both feel like it's time to move on.

This is our house. We watched it be built from the ground up. We got to go and pick out everything on the inside. Right down to the style and color of our cabinets, the type of granite on our countertops, and paint. It was a lot of fun. Now we're getting ready to pack and move in. It has been a struggle getting this far. One fraught with ups and downs, disappointments and successes. And that's just been building the house!

A couple of Sundays ago we invited the hubs' brother to come look at the house. He got there first and found two hoodlums had walked in (one of the contract workers left the door in the garage open) and used our house as a haven to smoke pot. I made reference to it in this post. Brother kicked them out and then wrote down their license plate number and the description of their car. He then called the county sherriff. The police came and walked the house. In our daughter's bedroom closet they found a tin box with a baggy of pot, a pipe stuffed with pot, and a bowl. Later that night they called us and let us know they caught them and the hoodlums admitted it. The city attorney just happens to be the hubs' best friend. So not only did they leave their pot behind, they admitted to it, and then get the almost owner's best friend as the prosecutor. Dudes, you picked the wrong house to smoke pot in.

The hubs and I finally feel confident enough in our situation to announce that we will be moving. The house is about 10 miles west of where we live now. Luckily we'll be in the same school district. Unfortunately the kids will have to change schools half way through the year. And my son will have to go from all-day kindergarten to half-days. I think it will be a good move for our family. I'm so excited to move to a place where there are a lot of kids, nice neighbors (we've met a lot of them and they've all been extremely nice and welcoming), and one where I'm not afraid to let my kids walk home from school. I'm excited to have a stable place where we can call home and raise our family.

Discussion - "The Gift of Fear," Chapter 5

Before I begin talking about this chapter, I want to make it clear that Gavin de Becker wrote this book to help people not to become victims of crime. We can use our intuition and ability to predict to help us out in dangerous situations. The gift of fear that de Becker is talking about it the innate, internal fear we have when our intuition senses a dangerous situation or person. He is not talking about worries or fears that hold us back in our life.

To quote from page 72, de Becker states, "Intuition is always learning, and though it may occasionally send a signal that turns out to be less then urgent, everything it communicates to you is meaningful. Unlike worry, it will not waste your time. Intuition might send any of several messengers to get your attention, and because they differ according to urgency, it is good to know the ranking. The intuitive signal of the highest order, the one with the greatest urgency, is fear; accordingly, it should always be listened to. The next level is apprehension, then suspicion, then hesitation, doubt, gut feelings, hunches, and curiosity. There are also nagging feelings, persistent thoughts, physical sensations, wonder, and anxiety. Generally speaking, these are less urgent. By thinking about these signals with an open mine when they occur, you will learn how you communicate with yourself."

Chapter 5: Imperfect Strangers

This chapter is all about using our ability to make predictions to help us in choosing those we want closest to us. Whether it be a babysitter, or an employer, or even a mate. Wouldn't you love it if all the women in abusive relationships could have predicted that when their mate was acting possessive in the beginning that that behavior is not flattering and will turn to more substantial abuse in the future?

De Becker states that human behavior, like gravity, is bound by certain rules. Not all rules apply all the time, but neither do the physical rules of gravity. De Becker states, "With behavior, as with gravity, context will govern, but there are some broad strokes that can be fairly applied to most of us:

We seek connection with others.

We are saddened by loss and try to avoid it.

We dislike rejection.

We like recognition and attention.

We will do more to avoid pain than we will do to seek pleasure.

We dislike ridicule and embarrassment.

We care what others think of us.

We seek a degree of control over our lives."

De Becker says we can use these assumptions to predict the behavior of others. For example, the employee that goes on a shooting spree at work is reacting to one of these variables, usually, and not something outside of himself. De Becker says, "no matter how aberrant the person whose behavior you seek to predict, no matter how different from him you may be or want to be, you must find in him a part of yourself, and in yourself a part of him" in order for predictions to be accurate.

One thing I love about this chapter is de Becker points out that we may encounter people who have vastly different standards of behavior and vastly different ways of perceiving the same events. De Becker says, "for example, some people operate without listening to their consciences; they do not care about the welfare of others, period." When I think of a person like this, I think of a sociopath. De Becker mentions the author of the book, Without Conscience, written by Robert D. Hare. He give us very specific attributes to identifying psychopaths/sociopaths:

Glib and superficial

Egocentric and Grandiose

Laking remorse or guilt

Deceitful and Manipulative

Impulsive

In need of excitement

Lacking responsibility

Emotionally shallow

You're thinking of someone you know, aren't you? I know I'm thinking of a few people in my personal life and my work life that fit the bill.

De Becker goes on to point out how to identify specific behaviors from criminals that women should keep their eye on. I'm not going to go into the whole list, but I think we all know when someone is acting inappropriately or someone oversteps the boundaries of social norms. Reading this chapter really helps you become consciously aware of when people are over-stepping those boundaries and listening to how your intuition reacts to them. This can help you identify someone who is just really friendly by nature, and someone who wishes to do you harm.

Lose It - Week 24

It's obvious from my last two posts that this week was a very hard week for me. Not only was it the anniversary of my Mom's passing, but Aunt Flo was making her monthly visit. So I had two weeks worth of set-backs, but I feel like I've found some motivation to keep going on.

The first was watching this Tuesday's episode of "The Biggest Loser." I made it no secret in this blog how much I hate Tracey. Judging from the comments on Facebook from some of my friends, I'm not the only one. I'm not going to waste my time writing about the things Tracey did that really made me dislike her as a contestant. On Tuesday she was finally eliminated. At the end of each show they showcase how far the eliminated contestant has come since leaving the show. Well, Tracey looked fantastic. I'm happy for her. It seemed like her husband and her four kids really love her. When I figured out how much weight she has lost based on her starting weight and how much weight it says she's lost now, I realized that Tracey now weighs less than me. Only by about 10 pounds, but I can't let a b**ch like Tracey beat me. Tracey reminds me of all the stuck-up, rich, super mean girls I went to school with. This is my motivation to keep going.

The other motivating factor was a visit to the chiropractor. My lower back was killing me, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I called my chiropractor. I used to see him twice a month, but since money has been tight, I haven't seen him in about 3 months. When he walked out to the waiting room, he was immediately blown away by how much weight I've lost. I've lost it so gradually that I don't think the people who see me every day notice as much as someone who hasn't seen me in 3 months. He mentioned a couple more times how great I look and how much weight I've lost and then asked me how I've been doing it. Just good old fashioned diet and exercise.

So those two things are making me want to continue. In reality, the things that really are keeping me going are improving my health so that I'll be around for a long time for my family.

I stepped on the scale this morning and I didn't lose an ounce. But, I didn't gain anything either. And that is great considering I totally went off the program this week. To be honest, I'm totally comfortable at this weight. All my old clothes fit again. A lot of the old clothes are loose even. So in reality, my goal now is so much more about overall health than weight lost. But the only way to track it is through the pounds.

On to week 25.

Thank You

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my blog, "In Tribute to my Mom." The truth is, once my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, my family and I received and out-pouring of love and support. I know now what it feels like to have literally hundreds of people praying for you. I know the comfort I received from those prayers, the prayers I offered myself, and from my Father in Heaven really carried me in that time.

It's funny because working with birthmoms I teach them the stages of grief. Thank you Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I teach them about denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've come to believe that the stages of grief should really be called "The Cycle of grief." I've learned that just because you've reached acceptance, doesn't mean you can't be taken back to anger, denial, bargaining, or depression at any time. Friday was a hard day for me. A very, very hard day for me. Harder than the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's death. Even though I reached the acceptance stage a long time ago, I was right back into the depression, or sadness, part of grief. I tell my birthmoms that the grief can hit you at a moment's notice, without warning, and you'll be crying in an instance. I not only was brought bad to sadness, but anger. On Friday, I was really, really mad. I know that life isn't fair, but dammit, I want it to be.

Speaking of anger, I remember when my Mom was really sick and in the hospital. One night I was visiting her by myself. When I left the hospital, I was riding down the very long elevator, when the doors opened and a little old couple got on. In that moment I hated them. I was so angry at them. It wasn't fair to me that they got to be old when my Mom never would. In that instant I knew exactly how my adoptive moms feel when they're dealing with infertility and they see a pregnant woman. You don't necessarily really hate that person, you hate that you never get to be that person, or your Mom never gets to be old.

On Friday I brought some flowers up to my Mom's grave. Man, it was a beautiful day. You don't expect warm temperatures at the beginning of November. As I was sitting there at her grave I was so thankful that my Dad had chosen that spot for her. You can literally see the entire valley with the beautiful mountains as your backdrop. Filled with anger and grief, I cried and cried. By the time I went to bed on Friday night I was so glad the day was over. Saturday morning I woke up feeling much better.

Thank you again for all your support. I couldn't have made it this far without you.

In Tribute to my Mom

Two years ago I lost one of the most important women in my life to pancreatic cancer. My Mother. Susan Degn McPeck was one great woman! She wasn't perfect. None of us are. She had her faults. Some things she did used to drive me crazy! I would love to be driven crazy again. She was funny and the life of the party. Everyone was her friend. She once told me that she made it her mission in life to make everyone laugh. Her spirit was larger than life. She loved her children with fierce devotion. She once told me that if anything ever happened to one of her children she would lay down and die, because she wouldn't be able to handle the pain. She adored her grandchildren. She prayed them all into existence years before any of them were ever conceived! She was brave. She was an example of how to face cancer with courage. When she had breast cancer 20+ years ago she faced it head on. Two weeks after her double mastectomy she was out on her 6 mile morning walk. She face that situation with humor and grace. Twenty years later she looked pancreatic cancer in the face and said, "you will not beat me." Unfortunately pancreatic cancer beats everyone. But she put up a helluva fight.

November is National Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month. Patrick Swayze brought a lot of attention to this disease. The reality is it's the 4th leading cause of cancer death (over 35,000 Americans will die of this year) and it is the least understood, least researched, and least funded of all cancers. Often people aren't diagnosed until it is too late. In order to do something, please donate at www.pancan.org.

Two years ago today I got up that morning with incredible morning sickness. I was very newly pregnant. I dropped my daughter off at the elementary school and then took my son to pre-school. I stopped by The Hole, which has the best donuts in the world, and ordered a dozen sugary treats. Knowing that my Dad probably hadn't left my Mom's side since she went on Hospice and was taken home from the hospital, I stopped by Starbucks and got him a very large cup of black coffee. I then headed to my parent's house. I remember thinking that the smell of the coffee really helped quell my morning sickness. When I handed my Dad the coffee he called me a Saint. My brother was asleep downstairs. He had dropped out of college that semester because the stress of my Mom's illness was too much for him to handle with his school demands. In the three weeks leading up to my Mom's return home from the hospital, we had spent many hours together in the hospital waiting room watching funny movies trying to take our minds off reality, yet not wanting to venture too far from my mother's side.

It was election day. My Dad asked me if I would please stay with my mother so that he could go vote. The man deserved a break. Of course I would stay with my mother. I remember him giving me instructions on how to give her more morphine if she sounded like she was in pain and that if she passed not to do anything. I didn't think she was going to die that day. I knew she was going to, just not that day.

I laid in bed next to my mother. I tried to watch TV but everything on every channel was meaningless to me. I held her hand. I listened to her breath. I had been listening to the soundtrack to Les Mis a lot in those days. It was one of my coping mechanisms. As I held her hand, I started to sing to her the lines Val Jean sings to God as he is nearing death. "God on high/ Hear my prayer/ Take me now/ To thy care/ Where You are/ Let me be/ Take me now/ Take me there/ Bring me home/ Bring me home." It was peaceful in that room. Spiritual. I wonder if angels were filling the room waiting to bring her home.

My Dad got home from voting and I had to leave to go pick up my son from pre-school. After I picked him up, we went to the library. I checked out some books, thinking I would be at my mother's side for days and would need books to read. We came home and I made him lunch. I was surfing the web, chatting with the hubs on I.M., trying to take my mind off things, when my Dad called saying he was pretty sure my Mom had just passed and he was calling the Hospice nurse to verify it. I told him I would be right over.

Of course after I got off the phone with him the hubs wasn't answering my I.M.s I called his office phone. No answer either. Desperate I called my mother-in-law. I squeaked out that my Dad had called and my Mom died. After that all I got out was, "will you..." and she said "I'll be right over." I was trying to ask her if she would pick up my daughter from school and take my son for the day. I didn't even have to ask. She already knew. That's why she's wonderful. Finally I got a hold of Casey. I swear I rather articulately told him that my Dad had called and my Mom had died. He swears all he heard was sobbing and new immediately he had to come home. He drove home faster from work probably than he ever had before. My mother-in-law came. The minute she saw me she grabbed me and hugged me tighter, harder, and longer than she ever had before. I dissolved into tears and sobbed and sobbed.

I don't remember the drive over to my parent's house. I know the hubs drove. Knowing myself I was probably talking non-stop. When we got to the house the Hospice nurse had confirmed that my Mom had stopped breathing and her heart had stopped beating. She was crying. That was weird. It was our loss. Not hers. The hubs and I went into my parent's bedroom. I dropped to my knees, laid my head on my Mom's chest, cried, told her I loved her, and goodbye for now. I remember sitting in the living room with my brother and the hubs shell shocked while my Dad made a lot of phone calls. One of them was to my sister. She was in the middle of a phone hearing. She had to hear the news in the middle of it. I feel bad for that. We waited until my sister could drive up from Salt Lake to say goodbye. And then the hubs called a man in our ward who worked at a local mortuary. He was aware of our situation and gave the hubs his cell phone number and told him that when the time came to call him and he would take care of everything. Watching the two men from the mortuary, my Dad, the hubs, and my brother carry my Mom's body out to the hearse was the worst moment in my life.

It seemed like hours and we were all starving. We decided to go to Sizzler. It's our family's go-to place in happy and sad events. Cheese toast is comfort food. My sister called my mom's brother in Hawaii to tell him the news. I know it was hard. On the way to Sizzler, my sister and I stopped at my mom's other brother's house and gave him the news. At that point I was in a daze. We must have been a sight at Sizzler. We were all in a daze. I don't even know if I tasted the steak. I do remember the hubs spilling Mountain Dew all over my purse.

After that we went back to my parent's house where my Dad made more phone calls. My sister and I tried to get a hold of more relatives. After a while she had to go back home to her family. My brother sought comfort with his friends. I sought comfort by writing my Mom's obituary. I couldn't let anyone else do it. After a few revisions, the whole family approved of it. I don't remember going home that night, but I know I did. The next day my Dad, the hubs, and I went to the mortuary and made funeral plans for my Mom.

Every day after November 6, 2007 I've had to live without my Mom. It sucks. Many wonderful things have happened since her death. The birth of my son, my saving grave, who is her little namesake. She would have adored him. The college graduation of my brother. And most definitely the marriage of my brother and his new wife. I know life goes on and good things continue to happen. But all of life's wonderful events for me are bittersweet because she's not there in the flesh to enjoy them. It's not enough to feel her spirit. I want to hug her, to kiss her on both cheeks (our tradition), and watch the happiness in her eyes. It's hard going from seeing your Mom every day to missing her every day.

This morning I was looking on my cousin's blog. Today is a sad day for them as well. They lost their son on this day 4 years ago. They have a song list and one song stuck out for me. It's a song I've heard before. It is the song one of my adoptive couples dedicated to their baby long before she came into their lives. Today I heard it for the first time in the context of what my Mom wants for me. What she wants for my Dad. What she wants for my siblings. What she wants for her grandchildren.

My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

Promoting Adoption

On Monday I had the great opportunity to go to Weber State University and speak on the radio on a radio show called, "The Informer," promoting adoption from the birthmother's perspective. I brought two birthmothers with me that have placed a baby for adoption in the past. These are two incredible women. Smart, funny, capable, STRONG, and brave, I love them both so much. I have watched both of them grow and progress in ways I never imagined. I hope both of them were empowered through adoption to believe in themselves, to know that they are valued and loved, and they are capable of doing hard things, making right choices, and being examples to other women.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. It's no secret that this is a cause close to my heart. There is so much ignorance surrounding adoption. I wish I could educate the whole world about adoption!!! And although it might not be the right choice for every woman facing a crisis pregnancy, it is a VALID choice. It is a good choice. It is an option that too few consider. I love adoption. I have seen it perform miracles in the lives of birthparents, children, and adoptive couples.

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Our part starts about 17:30 into the show. Thanks to Mike, Gina, and Tombstone for letting us come, inform listeners, and share our stories. And thanks to Chelsi for hooking me up with the great cast of "The Informer."

Lose It - Week 23

I totally gave up on Lose It! this week. I still love this incredible application on my iPod and I have seen a lot of success by using it. But this week, I just was too busy to count every calorie (okay, so Lose It! counts them for me, but I do have to account for everything I eat), and to exercise. I only exercised once this entire week. There's something about watching "The Biggest Loser," which makes me want to hit my elliptical hard. I've found that a 90 minute work-out on the elliptical is just perfect for watching TBL if I fast forward through all the commercials. Anyway, I know nutrition and exercise experts hate it when you say you're too busy to exercise or watch your nutrition, but I really was. This week all culminated into an adoption placement on Saturday night. I even missed out trick-or-treating with my kids. I literally worked my butt off every day this week helping this couple navigate the rocky waters of an adoption placement. It was a successful placement and I am beyond happy for this new little family.

So, I totally expected to gain weight when I stepped on the scale this morning. And if I did, it was worth it to me for the work I did for this family this week.

The results are in and I gained 2 pounds. Disappointing for sure, but I'm not giving up.

In good news, I was searching through my closet looking for a pair of jeans to wear to carve pumpkins in with my children on Halloween morning. I thought I only had one pair that fit well, and anticipating wearing them later in the week, I really didn't want to get pumpkin goo all over them. So I searched my closet for my fat jeans, and remembered that they were in the wash and smelled like pot (thanks to some hoodlums, not to some personal use...more on that story in a later blog post). I found a faded old pair in the back of my closet that I thought were a too-large pair I bought at Costco a trillion years ago. Perfect for pumpkin carving. Instead I found my most favortist pair of jeans I have ever owned. My sister and I bought them together at Express at least 4 years ago (if not longer) for my birthday. They're faded and cute, very flattering to my ASSets, comfortable as heck, and have the cutest white embroidery flowers stitched on the back pockets. I pulled them out of the closet, crossed my fingers, and put them on. They fit perfectly! They are two sizes smaller than the pair of jeans I was wearing 5 months ago when I started this Lose It! journey. Five months ago I couldn't get into them. I'm wearing them right now, they're so fabulous.

I'm so thankful to Lose It! and the makers of Lose It! and for my own hard work to make the wearing of these jeans possible. Twenty-three weeks ago I had serious doubts that I would ever fit into some of my old clothes again. Despite that, I gotta be honest....I'm wondering if I had the strength and the stamina to keep going with this diet. I've been doing it for five months now. That's a long time. That's a long time to stay dedicated to a major change. And although I could probably write a book called "How I lost 22 pounds drinking Mountain Dew and eating chocolate cupcakes," right now I'm just not feeling it. That may change with week 24. Maybe I need to do something different. I haven't been to the gym in weeks. Maybe a change of scenery would help. All I know is that when the weather turns dark and cold, I have the tendency to want to hunker down, build up fat for winter, snuggle in a big comfy blanket, and stay inside. We'll see how I feel next week.

I am happy to report that I dragged by butt out of bed at 5:45 Monday morning and went to yoga with my friend Kari. I'm totally sore now, because I haven't done yoga in a while, but it's totally motivated me to get back on track.

Until then, rock onto to week 24 peeps.