Phone messages

Two years ago on my birthday my Mom called and left a message on my voicemail. She sang the song she made up decades ago and wished me happy birthday. I have kept his message on my voicemail. It is the only recording I have of her voice.

On my birthday I listened to the message on my speaker phone so my daughter could hear. As I thought about it, she probably hasn't heard her voice since Halloween 2007. That's a long time in kid time. She got a big smile on her face and asked if that was Meemaw. And then she asked something that broke my heart.

"Did she call from heaven?"

Oh, the innocence of children. That one innocent question just socked me in the stomach. I wish she could call me from heaven. I know we would talk and talk for hours. There are many times when I've listened to that message when the voice comes on at the end that tells you to push 7 to delete the message, 9 the save the message, and 88 to call the message sender, that I have wished I could have just pressed 88 and called my Mom.

"Did she call from heaven?"

Uh, little girl, I wish. I wish you could call your Meemaw in heaven. I wish she were here in the flesh to sing to me her birthday song. I wish she were here to watch you grow up.

I wish.

I wish.

She could call from heaven.

Lose It - Week 9

I gotta be honest. I just wasn't feeling it this week. Last week I was highly motivated, worked out like mad, and it paid off. This week I exercised 5 days out of 7 but for not as long or as hard. I missed going to the gym for the first Saturday since January. That's not to say that I didn't log my calories, because I did. And that's not to say that I went over my calorie budget, because I didn't. In fact I came in 2,408 under my calories for the week.

If there's such a thing as the 7 year itch....could this be the 9 week slump?

Well, the results are in and

I lost .2 pounds

With most of this week off work, hopefully I'll have more time to spend in the gym. I really do like working out. Just with some personal stresses going on in my life and some personal sadnesses as well, I just couldn't get my act together this week.

But I will not let this derail me. A setback doesn't mean you get set back forever. I've lost 10.2 pounds so far and I'm starting to notice it. Each bit of strength gained, each ounce lost, each better food choice, each calorie burned off in exercise, is a victory.

Ewwwww

Dear Madonna,

There is such a thing as working out too much. On the other hand, a phlebotomist will never have trouble finding a vein.

They're not all happy stories

In a recent blogpost I wrote about an adoptive couple who's joy over their newly adopted daughter touched my heart. Well, it touched a couple of my regular readers (thanks guys!) who suggested I write a blog solely about adoption and all my happy stories. Whether or not I use names or alter details, I still feel like writing about people's personal experiences would be violating their confidentiality. Because of that I choose to write how those experiences make me feel instead.

The hard thing to write about is the sad things I deal with. Trust me, they're not all happy stories. To only tell the successes when they touch my heart, would be to deny that hard things, sad things, awful things that happen.

For example:

I cannot describe the personal pain and heartache it gives me to tell an adoptive couple who has been chosen by a birthmother, who has decorated the nursery, bought baby items, and who have developed a relationship with the birthmother, that she has changed her mind and has decided to parent the baby. I would rather rip off all of my fingernails one by one with pliers. But I have to put on my big girl panties, and "woman-up" as it were, and deliver the bad news. These are bad days. These are days I turn to chocolate. I liken this situation to a miscarriage. It's a loss, no matter how you look at it. It's a loss for a couple who has already lost so much. It's a loss for the baby who could have been raised in a two-parent household with a better chance for success in their life. I wish I could grieve with them, but my "I'm sorrys" always sound so shallow coming out of my mouth to me.

I've never had to deal with this, but there are some situations where a child has been placed with a couple and then they have to give the child back, for whatever reason. Maybe the birthmother changed her mind. Sometimes ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) are a factor. Other legal issues with the birthfather can be a factor. I cannot imagine anything more heartbreaking. I already told my boss that the day I have to tell one of my clients that they have 24 hours to bring their child back to the agency, is the day I quit.

One of the most disappointing cases I ever worked on was with a birthmother who I will never forget. She came to me absolutely destitute. She was a homeless teenager with no job. She had nothing. Her parents were either drug addicts or in jail. She had multiple health problems. It was amazing she could even carry a child. She was also a recovering drug addict. We helped her get an apartment, we bought her food, and at her request, we gave her profiles of adoptive couples and she chose one. These were amazing people. The most compassionate and loving people I have ever encountered. They look past her rough exterior (tattoos, worn and tethered clothing, and the obvious smell of cigarette smoke) and embraced her fully. They opened their hearts to this young girl and were willing to go above and beyond to help her well after she placed her child with them. They also wanted her to be apart of her child's life. The day came for her to deliver and by the next morning she had decided to keep her baby. I remember holding that sweet baby and almost apologizing to her in my mind for not doing enough to help her get the life she deserved with her adopted parents. I poured my heart out to this birthmother in a way I never have before imploring her to do the right thing for her child. And she didn't listen. It's been almost 7 months and the last thing I heard about her wasn't good. I still question if I could have done more, but ultimately it was her decision to keep and we all have our free agency.

I could tell you countless other stories, but it would get really depressing, and I'm already feeling my mood shift toward the sullen recounting the last story. So you see, my friends, adoption is a roller coaster. It is definitely a mixture of the saddest sads that will ever happen and the joyfulest of joys you will ever know. I try to focus on the joy and that's why I write about it so often.

Just Desserts

YES!!!! The movie "Orphan" was big fat fail at the box office this weekend. Wahoo! This is a victory for adoption advocates every where. My worry with this film is that it will possibly influence prospective adoptive parents not to adopt orphans or older foster children because of how evil this movie is. Whether we like it or not, the media influences culture and our opinions. Don't believe me? How many people were afraid to get back in the water after the movie "Jaws" came out? I also am offended that this movie would perpetuate the tired old stereotype that there is something wrong with orphaned or foster children. Yes, they come with their problems, but how could they not be affected by losing their parents or being abused by the people who were supposed to look out for them no matter what? Using them in this way in a horror movie deeply offends me and what I work toward daily.

So, I say suck it! "Orphan" and to all the people behind the making of this movie.

I've got a big case of the blahs

Today I feel mopey and sad. I don't know why.

Los niños traen vida

In English, "los niños traen vida" translates to "children bring life."

I love this saying.

It is the motto of one of the foster families in Utah.

I literally saw this happen today. Children bringing life. This adoptive couple came into work to show off their newly adopted baby. They're not my clients, but I just had to go and see this adorable little girl. Their case is a miracle. A few months ago they were in despair, struggling with issues related to infertility. Today I saw them radiate, radiate, with joy. Their happiness was so palpable, it literally put me in a wonderful mood where I was close to tears all day.

They came in to thank us for their miracle. You see, their beautiful daughter's birthmother decided not place her for adoption and decided to parent her. Through some miracle she changed her mind back (this never happens) and decided to place. I told them that Heavenly Father had more to do with their miracle than anything we did.

Then I told them that I had read a quote the other day that said something about how you can't go through an adoption without finding out just how much your Heavenly Father loves you. With that, the adoptive father had a hard time containing his tears.

One thing that will always stick with me, is the adoptive mother said, "how can something so small be such a huge miracle?"

My heart as literally been full all day.

Rant for the day

I get to work this morning happy as a clam. I've got a full day ahead of me with lots of tasks I finally have time to accomplish. This never happens. I was in the file room getting, well files, when our Adoption secretary comes in wonders what I'm doing there. She thought I was at a home visit. Well, I didn't schedule myself a home visit. And she didn't schedule me a home visit. And if she had she would have told me she had done so.

So we go over to her computer to look at the schedule, and sure enough I have a home visit schedule that I'm already a half hour late for. Great. So I run into my office and call this couple, and needless to say they were pretty pissed off. The husband works an hour away from home and took off work that morning to be there. I apologized profusely and we were able to reschedule.

It was then that our Adoption Secretary came into my office and let me know that it was another secretary that had scheduled the appointment, which she's not supposed to do. She scheduled it on Friday, and I'm not here on Fridays. I don't come in again until Tuesday. The day of the appointment! And to top it all off, she made it the first appointment of the day!!!

What really pisses me off is she never told me she scheduled it. How hard would it have been to send me an email, text me, or call me and let me know this had been scheduled so that I don't look like a unprofessional idiot and she doesn't severely inconvience my clients?

I guess the day can only go up from here.

Lose It - Week 8

This week I decided to switch things up with my eating and my exercise. I changed my goals on the Lose It program so that I have been restricted to 1244 calories a day. Now that's not a whole lot of food. I have been having to exercise like mad just so that I can eat dinner. And I have exercised. A lot. Every day but Friday.

I've been doing a sort of cross-training program at the gym. When I'm on the treadmill, for 4 minutes I keep my elevation at 0 and walk at 3.5 mph (which is pretty fast for me). For the next 4 minutes I go up to an elevation of 3 and walk at 3 mph. I have been doing this for 44 minutes with a minute to cool down afterwards. On the elliptical machine, for 4 minutes I keep my crossramp at a 4 and my resistance at a 0. When I do this, I try to go as fast as possible. Next I do 4 minutes of a crossramp of 10 and a resistance of 8. This is hard but has been getting easier. I've also been doing this for 44 minutes with a minute to cool down, except on Saturday I went for an hour. I've also lifted weights 3 times this week.

And with all the exercise and extra calorie restrictions, I came in 3,398 calories under budget for the week. And did it pay off? It's hard to say because this week is also that special week in a woman's month where her dear Aunt Flo visits. This usually skews my weight. I stepped on the scale this morning and

I lost 2.6 pounds!!!!

Sunday night, after I got off my elliptical after 90 minutes on the hardest program our elliptical has to offer, the hubs remarked with tears in his eyes how proud he is of me. He said that he can tell I'm getting stronger just from my breathing. Four years ago when we first bought our elliptical, I could barely do 10 minutes without any resistance set without having a huge asthma attack. Now I'm doing 90 minutes on a program that takes me all the way up to a resistance of 10 and without even using my inhaler first. And I realized in that moment that what I've been doing is more than just meeting a goal like doing a half marathon or losing 40 lbs. It's about my health. It's about becoming strong. It's about being there for my family into my old age. It's about my quality of life. It's about being able to breath, really breath, for the first time in my life. I may not be able to lose 40 lbs by Dec. 1st (which according to Lose It is the day I will reach my goal), but there is something more important that I've gained in this last year. I've gained strength. I've gained the confidence of accomplishing something I never thought I could do. I've gained an improved health. I've gained lung functioning like I've never had in my life.

I have now lost 10 pounds total.

Rock on friends. On to week 9.

16 and Pregnant

I've got to hand it to MTV. They, surprisingly, have been showing a lot of positive adoption stories as of late. First there was an episode of "True Life" called "I'm placing my baby for adoption." As an Adoption/Birth Parent Caseworker I can tell you that episode was 100% accurate.

This summer they premiered a show called "16 and Pregnant." The previews showed one girl who looked like she had made an adoption plan. So I watched this series very hopeful that this one young girl would go through her adoption plan.

The first 5 episodes featured girls who decided to parent. Four of the five maintained relationships with the birthfathers, which I believed heavily influenced their decisions to parent. What I was so impressed about this show is how it showed a warts and all reality. In the first episode, Maci and her fiance go through some severe relationship difficulties after the baby is born. She is trying to be a grown-up by taking care of the baby, graduating early so she can go to college, and working. He, on the other hand, wants to hang out with his friends after work and barely spends 20 minutes a day with the baby. He won't even watch the baby so she can study. Maci, appropriately, starts to have some resentment issues. I thought it was great that is shows that just because you stay with the birthfather and you make plans to marry, doesn't mean it always works out. On the follow-up episode, the fiance is a fiance no more and Maci struggles to raise this baby on her own.

On the second episode, Farrah wants nothing to do with the birthfather, even though at one time he was her boyfriend. She is a popular cheerleader, but sees her popularity decline after her belly starts to show. She decides to do home school to avoid all the gossip. Her mother and father almost refuse to help her at all with the baby (besides giving her a place to live and the money to raise the baby) and she becomes isolated while she watches her friends enjoy their lives and she is stuck at home with a baby. It will be interesting what she has to say about her situation on the follow up show.

On another episode a girl has to give up her dreams of joining the Air Force and even delays graduating high school because the birthfather is unsupportive of her taking night classes. He says he is, but never makes it home in time to watch the baby so she can go. Another young couple has to move in with his parents, but has to deal with the fact that their baby has some serious health problems they might not be mature enough to handle. Another couple struggles with money and the birthfather's irresponsible spending (why buy baby items when you can get a gaming system!).

But the most touching and poignant episode was that of Catelynn and Tyler who made the loving decision to place their daughter for adoption. I was so impressed with their strength and maturity in the face of their parent's complete non-support that thinking about it brings me to tears. Both of them grew up in unstable situations. Catelynn has moved over 13 times in 16 years. Tyler's father spent most of Tyler's life in prison. And even though Catelynn and Tyler were dating first, her mother and his father fell in love and got married, making them step-siblings.

Catelynn and Tyler were mature and smart enough to recognize that bringing a child into an unstable situation wasn't in her best interest, considering the way they had grown up. Both of their parents are completely unsupportive of their adoption plan. At one point they are all arguing in the kitchen and Tyler's father says that all a baby needs is love. And Tyler remarks that no dad, babies need a whole lot more than just love. I always say that love doesn't buy diapers and formula. His father also takes him out to dinner one night and basically tells him that he's not "manning up" by placing the baby for adoption. I can't think of a better way to "man up" than to put your own needs and emotions aside to do what is in the best interest of your child. (I didn't want to point this out, but Butch (Tyler's dad) didn't exactly "man up" when he was out committing the crimes that sent him to jail and away from his family for years). And it wasn't just Butch who had the problem. At one point, Catelynn's mother actually calls her a bitch for meeting with the prospective adoptive couple and not bringing her along.

I think the thing that impressed me the most was Tyler. Most birthfathers, in my experience, abandon the girls they got pregnant. Someone like Tyler is rare and he definitely is more of a "man" than his father probably will ever realize. The most touching scene to me was after the baby was born and they were cleaning her off, Tyler just held Catelynn and cried and kept telling her that they could do it, and that their daughter was going to have such a happy life. I just wanted to go through the screen and hug that young couple for their courage.

The adoptive couple were wonderful as well. From what I saw, they developed a close relationship with Tyler and Catelynn. They exchanged gifts in the hospital. One of the gifts was Teresa, the adoptive mom, gave Catelynn a bracelet to wear that she would wear as well, and when Carly (the baby) got old enough, she would wear one as well. It was a charm bracelet with a heart that said "Always in my heart." It was so great to see how much respect this adoptive couple have for Tyler and Catelynn and how they would like to include them in Carly's life. They said they think of Catelynn and Tyler as their angels. When adoptions are open, this is really the best for all parties involved in an adoption triad.

At the end of the episode Catelynn reaffirms that she made the right decision for Carly and that she is at peace with her decision. She said that placing the baby for adoption made her want to do better in her own life, like going to college, and some day in the future marrying Tyler and having children of their own. She said that she and Tyler grew closer through this experience and deepened their love for each other. They both know that what they did for Carly was about love. They loved her so much they couldn't let her grow up the way they did. They wanted more for her. They wanted her to be happy. And isn't that what adoption is all about? Love? At the very end Catelynn says that she thinks someday Carly will tell them "thank you." I have no doubts about that at all.

I wept throughout this entire episode. I wept for Tyler and Catelynn's selflessness and their willingness to put their daughter's needs before their own. I wept for their total lack of support from their parents. I wept for knowing exactly the grief that they will go through. I wept at the adoptive couple's, Teresa and Brandon, compassion. I wept for this baby girl knowing that she was going where Heavenly Father wanted her to be. In fact I wept so much, my husband asked me if I was okay. I think I had such a strong emotional reaction to this episode because I don't really get to cry at work. I have to be the strong one and support these parents with what they go through. This was the outlet I needed to cry for every birthparent I've worked with.

I hope that life moves forward for Tyler and Catelynn. I know that they will be blessed for the decision they made.

Watch the full episode of these two incredible angels:

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

The Gym - Part 2

I am a member of a popular Gym chain. This allows me to go to several gyms. I go to one in Layton on Tuesday night because I like the yoga instructor. I go to Roy most of the time because it's the closest to my house. And I go to the one in downtown Ogden on the nights I hit the gym after work.

I've noticed there is a quite an eclectic group of people who go to the gym. Of course you've got the gym bunnies who are young with hot bodies who are trying to maintain those bodies. You've got the muscle heads who lift weights for hours at a time. You've got the athletes who train for marathons, decathlons, Iron Mans, you name it. You've got the old people who are trying to bring down their cholesterol. And you've got the over-weight people, like me, who are trying to get back into shape after years of neglect.

And then at my gym you've got King Tool, the tattoo brigade, and Captain Crazy.

Meet King Tool. He's the young 20-something, with little man's syndrome (he's seriously shorter than me), whose biceps are twice his height. He's got a spray-on tan and stares lovingly into the mirror with every weight he lifts. And in between reps he takes time out to hit on all the girls in bare midriffs. Most of them are polite. He always leaves dejected.

Next, meet the tattoo brigade. This is a group of about 8 guys who are all heavily tatted up with piercings and ear gauges who lift weights together. Normally you'd think that guys like this would be too cool to go to the gym, but they're not. Which means they're probably posers. They have arm sleeve tattoos, some have tattoos on their necks, and some even on their skulls. They spot each other and come and go as a pack. Best of all, they walk around the gym like they're better than everyone else.

And my personal favorite, Captain Crazy. I watch him rock out to the tunes on his iPod in between reps for weight lifting. When the song is especially good he plays the air guitar. I'm not kidding. I keep trying to catch his eye so he can see the crazy look I'm giving him. I want to yell at him, "Hey! Stop it! Or they'll cart you off to the looney bin." But I can't, because he has his ear buds in and he can't hear me. At least it is entertaining.

I love the gym. If not for the health benefits, but for the people watching.

The Gym

Monday I was having a very bad day and the hubs encouraged me to go work out my anger and frustration at the gym. So I did.

I did about 45 minutes on the treadmill and elliptical doing a cross-training program. Just to switch things up a bit.

Then I did about 45 minutes of weight lifting. I took a conditioning class in high school to avoid having to take gym (telling you how much I hate gym class is a whole other blog). In that class two things happened: (1) I learned how to lift weights, and (2) for the first time I saw muscle definition in my arms. I have biceps? Who knew.

I haven't lifted weights regularly for over a decade. Unless you count lifting children. Skinny children. But still children.

About a half an hour into my routine I got to the lat pull-down machine. I was feeling pretty good about myself being able to lift so much weight (relatively) or at least pull down so much weight, in this case. I got up to about 40 lbs. Which I think is good considering, a) I'm female, my strength is in my legs, and b) I haven't lifted weights in over a decade as I mentioned before.

A little while later I was working on a machine near the lat pull-down when I saw a skinny teenage boy come into the weights area. He was possibly between the ages of 13 and 16, but nevertheless, was skinny as a twig. He then proceeded to go over to the lat pull-down. He immediately sat down and was able to pull down 90 pounds. Ninety freaking pounds! And here I was proud of my 40.

It was then that I realized that a skinny teenage boy is stronger than me. Seriously his arms were the size of Twizzlers.

Sigh.

In defense of us Fat girls

Sunday night I watched a new show on Lifetime called "Drop Dead Diva." The plot of the show is simple. A beautiful blonde air-headed skinny girl (Deb) dies the same day as a large dowdy but smart lawyer (Jane). When the blonde gets to heaven she just can't believe her awesome and fun life is over so she pushes some button which allows her to come back to earth. The only thing is her spirit goes to live in the body of the lawyer.

GASP!

How can this beautiful skinny girl, who's never been over a size 0 in her life (except for that one time she was a size 2 based on the freshman 15) stand to live in a body of a fat girl? She actually asks her guardian angel if she was sent to hell.

So being fat is now a punishment akin to burning in hell for all eternity.

Against the advice of her guardian angel, she seeks out her best friend who just cries and cries about this predicament. She laments that her best friend is now stuck in the body of someone who is a size 16. She says something along the lines of "fat things should not happen to skinny people."

Here is my problem.

Size 16 is not fat. The average size of an American woman is 14. There are a lot of women who are healthy and athletic and muscular and HAPPY at a size 16. This show paints the life of Deb as happy and fulfilled. She has a wonderful relationship with her boyfriend who was going to propose to her right before she dies. She has a great career as a model. The only thing is, she's not very smart. She gets to heaven and learns that she's never done a single good deed. But she's never done a bad deed either.

Conversely, Jane is a lawyer who volunteers at the soup kitchen and does more pro bono work than anyone in her firm. She's whip smart. Unfortunately she has blah hair, blah makeup, and blah clothes. Because "fat" people don't care about their appearance. If you look at the header picture, it's misleading, because Jane (on the right) has more makeup on and wearing something actually more colorful than she does in the show. Oh and Jane is all alone. Because what man is going to love a fat girl? Plenty. She's constantly craving fattening food. Her assistant squeezes Easy Cheese into her mouth and she likens it to Prozac. Oh, and she's hotter than everyone else in the office. So hot she has to throw something through the window to break it because it won't open. Bitch, please.

So here we have 2 stereotypes:

Skinny people are shallow, never do good deeds, selfish, have perfect lives, have perfect boyfriends, are happy, and dumb.

Fat people do many good deeds, are smart, are alone so they have to volunteer in soup kitchens to seek fulfillment, constantly crave fattening food and use processed cheese as an anti-depressant, are hotter temperature-wise than the rest of us, don't care about their outer appearance because once you pass a size 12 you should just give up, and insecure.

Fat people can be shallow and skinny people can be deep. And there's a whole range of sizes in between that don't fit into stereotypes either.

GRRR!!! Lifetime, why?! You're supposed to be a network for women, not a network that perpetuates tired old stereotypes about women. Not that I should be so surprised by a network who regularly shows TV movies about damsels in distress. I guess foisting tired old stereotypes onto women is like Lifetime's purpose in television.

Say what?

I have officially heard the STUPIDEST name ever.

Broxton

I kid you not. Some twit actually named their poor child that. They should be ashamed.

And seriously, what is up with all the made up names? It's like this new trend to name your kid the most hideous made up names ever. It really bugs me. If you can't find it in a baby book....IT'S NOT A NAME! Stop torturing your poor children.

While working at Payless, I had to measure kids' feet. I would always ask them their name to make them feel more comfortable. I heard a sh** load of stupid names while I worked there. Here is a list of the most memorable:

Cougan

Brielly

Kaiser

Riker

Kimbrielle

Benatar

Canyon

Compton

Brando

Sunrise

Taylynn

Cactus

Questian

But none, NONE of them compares to the hideousness of Broxton. Ugh, a part of me dies just writing that. Ugh, shudder, gasp.

Anyone else heard of a stupider name for a kid? And I'm talking about a madeup first name, not a combo name like Chanda Lear.

Lose It - Week 7

I discovered something cool this week. You can burn a lot of calories playing the piano. I have to play the piano for my calling at church. I am the pianist for the Primary organization, which is all of the children under 12 in my ward. My iPod says that for my height, weight, and age, I burn about 128 calories for an hour's worth of practicing the piano. I thought this was off (it seems like quite a bit of calories to burn) so I googled it and the site I used to calculate the calories actually estimated 100 more calories per hour than my Ipod says.

This week I came in 1,613 calories under budget for the week.

And I lost

1 pound

I think I'm going to change my goals on my Lose It so that I'm losing 2 lbs a week. Just to mix things up.

Rock on peeps.

Manswers

Saturday night I was watching a movie on the Lifetime channel while the hubs was off watching the fight on pay-per-view at his friend's house. During the commerical breaks I did the requisite channel surfing and actually learned something new from the extremely sexist channel, Spike. They have a show on their called "Manswers," which apparently answers questions that men need to know. I'm assuming that, "what to do if you wake up in a hotel room with a dead hooker," is one of them. Anyway, the question that they were answering was:

If you're out partying at a club, how can you tell if She is really a He?

I guess men are mortally afraid of picking up a girl and bringing her home and finding out

she has an extra something in her panties. Because if you're attracted to a woman who is actually a man, that somehow puts your manhood and sexuality into question. But I digress.

The "expert" they had on to answer this question was a doctor. They asked if you could tell because of the Adam's apple. He said this wasn't always a reliable test because you could easily shave the extra cartilage in a simple operation. They next asked if facial hair is a good indicator. The doctor pointed out that facial hair can be easily lazered off. There is one simple tried and true way you can always tell a man from a woman.

So finally after the commercial break they answered how you can 100% always tell if a woman is a woman and not a man. I never knew this and found it interesting. Stop me if you've already heard it.

Apparently a woman's index finger is longer than her ring finger. Whereas a man's ring finger is longer than his index finger. This is not something you can change with hormones or a sex reassignment surgery.

So I immediately looked at my hand. My index finger IS longer than my ringer finger. As soon as the hubs came home I demanded to look at his hands (which he thought was weird). His ringer finger IS longer than his index finger. How cool is that?

The next question that just had to be "manswered" was, "how can you tell if her boobs are saggy before you get her home and get her naked?" This offended every feminist bone in my body and I immediately switched the channel back to Lifetime.

To the left is a man's hand.

You can see that the ring

finger is longer than the index finger.

To the right is a woman's hand.

You can see that the index

finger is longer than the ring finger.

Coin Operated Boy

I heard this song about a year ago on a long drive back from Provo (about 80 miles from my house). For some reason, I instantly fell in love with it. I like the synchopation and the piano. Some people have speculated what the meaning of this song is, but that writer of the song has denied it's about anything more than just wishing she had a relationship that was no muss, no fuss. With a human...not a piece of synthetic material. Anyway, enjoy.

Parents of 16 children murdered video

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Parents of 16 kids found dead

From Fox10TV.com:

ESCAMBIA COUNTY, Fla. - Two people were killed in what authorities are describing as a home invasion. Escambia County Sheriff’s Deputies were called out to a home in the 9,700 block of Mobile Highway around 8:00 p.m. Thursday night. When they arrived, deputies found a man and woman dead in the bedroom of their home in the Beulah community. Both had been shot.

The victims have been identified as Byrd and Melanie Billings. The couple had 16 children, 12 of them were adopted. The Billings were known for helping children with disabilities and troubled backgrounds. Family members say all of the children were at home at the time of the shooting, but they were not hurt.

Deputies say they want to question three men in a red van about the murders.

As you all know, adoption is close to my heart. I've seen people go through hell and back in the adoption of their children. Adoption is hard. It is an emotional roller coaster. Whether you're dealing with infertility, or waiting for a birthmother to choose you to adopt, whether you go through the foster care system, and even more heart-breaking, a contested adoption. But these incredible people, these angels, adopted 12 special needs children (this is not mentioned in the story). One special needs child is an enormous responsibility, but these people adopted 12 of them. Twelve children that are virtually unadoptable. Twelve children that would have probably spent their lives in foster care or in institutions. Instead, they were adopted and given a mom and a dad, and a family. And now these parents are gone. Murdered in their own home. For no reason. My heart breaks for all their children. I hope something happens so that these siblings can all stay together.

Most importantly I want to say that the world needs more people like Byrd and Melanie Billings. They spent their lives helping and parenting children in need. Their lives were spent in selflessness. I wish more people who are interested in adoption would be wiling to adopt an older child or a special needs child. These children need families too. They want what all children want. Someone to love them and to be there for them. Byrd and Melanie did this for 16 children, twelve of them born in their hearts.

God Bless the Billings family.

The Kidney stone from hell

So the hubs went in for his CAT scan today to see how bad his kidney stones are. They told him it would take about 2 days to process and then they would let his doctor know what they found. Next thing we know, they called him back within a couple of hours and said he has a HUGE stone that is caught in the dilation of his urinary tract (or whatever, I'm not a doctor) and he needs to go to a urologist ASAP. When he told the medical people at the hospital who performed his CAT scan that he wasn't in pain anymore, they were completely shocked and surprised. Apparently he needs to go see a urologist ASAP so the stone can be broken up because passing it would not be good. I feel for him, I really do.

This is what kidney stones look like: OUCH!

UPDATE:

The hubs went and saw a urologist at 3:00 today and he told him that his stone was only 4.5 millimeters and he could pass one up to 6 millimeters on his own. So he gave him some medicine that will help expand things down there so passing the stone won't be quite so painful. And he has his lortab. But seriously, I feel for the poor guy. I LOVE YOU HUBS!

Randomosity, again...

Monday I started about 10 new great blog posts in my head and never wrote any of them down. I know they were all really great too. And now I can't remember a single one. I hate it when that happens.

So here are just a bunch of random thoughts about my experiences, or what have you, lately.

I am so sick of the road construction going on in my town lately. I don't understand why they can't just work on part of the road at a time instead of having miles and miles of highway and main roads blocked off. I was driving to work on Tuesday, and if you know Ogden at all, you'll know what I'm talking about. I usually take Wall Ave. to work, turn right on 17th St., turn left on Lincoln Ave, and, boom, there's my work. So Tuesday morning I was on Wall Ave, and right around the time I reached the strip club, traffic was directed into one lane. There was a giant school bus ahead of me and so I couldn't see that 17th St. was closed! Closed! So I had to continue on down to 12th St. At this juncture I would have turned right onto 12th street, and then right onto Lincoln Ave, and then boom, been at work. Oh no, that's too simple. Instead I turned right onto 12th St., and Lincoln Ave. was closed. Closed! This is about the time my head exploded. So I had to drive all the way down to Washington Ave. turn right, drive down several blocks to 15th St., turn right, and a few streets later I reached Lincoln Ave. and boom, I was at work. After driving in a huge circle! And Fifteen minutes late! Grr!

On Monday I read a blog written by one of my Facebook "friends" that I took great offense to. We have very different political views and I have accepted that. What I can't accept is someone calling themselves a Christian, being a position where they "speak" for Jesus and minister unto his sheep, when they judge themselves to be better than other people. His blog was about something completely different but he managed to sneak in something that questioned whether or not gay men were actually men (why didn't he just come out and question whether or not they were fit to be human?), made an assumption that he didn't want gay men touching him because obviously every gay man out there wants to jump his bones (trust me, he's not a catch even in the heterosexual world), and basically made is sound like he is far superior to any gay person. Which I happen to know he believes no matter how "Christian" he would like to believe himself to be. Jesus said love everyone. I don't remember there being an exception.

The hubs has kidney stones. I feel so sorry for the poor guy. I've had kidney infections that were so painful that I wished I was giving birth instead. They give you better drugs when you do. I heard that when a man has kidney stones, that is the closest he will ever come to knowing what child birth feels like. I told this to the hubs and for some reason he didn't find much comfort in that statement. Anyway, he has to take Lortab to deal with pain, pee into a strainer to catch any stones (ewww), and he has to have a cat scan so the doctors can see where his stones are at. I've never known the hubs to be sick very often. Usually I'm the sick one and he is taking care of me. The role reversal feels weird. But in the last few weeks he's had strep throat, a hurt foot, and now kidney stones. Poor lil' guy.

Two people in my family have now gotten the swine flu. Am I next? At least it would give me a few weeks off (or at least a week) from working out. No really, I love working out.

Speaking of working out...I used to spend hours of useless time watching TV. Now it seems like I'm spending my evenings at the gym, still watching TV on my cardio machine, but I'm burning instead of accumulating calories. I guess I can stop calling myself or thinking of myself as a lazy person. Dangit! Now I have to change my whole self-identity.

Michael Jackson

Around the time of his death, Michael Jackson was staging a comeback tour. It's sad to think that his death is a comeback of sorts. The media is talking about him again. The sales of his music have skyrocketed in the last week. He is all over TV and especially the 24 hour news channels. MTV played nothing but his videos for two or three days straight. Celebrities, politicians, leaders of nations, and ordinary people have done nothing but talk about Michael Jackson for the last week.

And it got me thinking. Michael Jackson's death is to my generation what Elvis Presley's death was to my parent's generation. Elvis Presley wasn't at the top of his game when he died in 1977. He had become a bloated shell of his former self. A joke in a sequined jumpsuit. And so was Michael Jackson. He hadn't done anything significant career-wise in years. At the time of his death, he hadn't released an album in almost 8 years. The last thing he had done publicly was stand trial for child molestation charges, of which he was acquitted.

So today they memorialized Michael Jackson. The legend that he is. The man that he was. I didn't expect to cry as I watched his friends and colleagues pay tribute to him, but I did. His family - their hearts are broken. You can see it in their countenances. His daughter barely said two sentences before she collapsed into the arms of her Aunt Janet. I know her pain. I too have lost a parent.

Michael Jackson will forever be a part of my childhood. My earliest remembrances include watching "Thriller" and "Billy Jean" videos on MTV. And I'll never forget all the Weird Al parodies that are very much tied to my memories of Michael Jackson. No, I wasn't an avid fan of his, but his music is a part of my life. The songs he wrote and performed are on the soundtrack of my life. His music is intertwined and enmeshed into my childhood.

"Heal the world. Make it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race." Simple, but eloquent.

Goodbye Michael. God be with you 'til you moonwalk again.

Foreverwood

It's no secret that my favorite show of all time is "Everwood." The CW stupidly canceled the show after the WB and UPN merged into one network. A decision that the executives at the CW have publicly regretted.

Well, last week a dream of mine for the last 5 years came true. Warner Bros. finally released "Everwood: Season 2" onto DVD. Yes, I have literally waited for 5 years for this. All I've been doing is watching all 22 episodes for the last week. So you'd probably think that I am really happy right now.

It's not that simple.

I'm actually kind of sad right now. I've been trying to pinpoint why watching "Everwood" makes me so sad. I don't think it's the content. Yes, the premise of the show is sad, but it's also very funny. I don't think it's because the show ended so abruptly for me and only after 4 seasons. Even if it has survived past 2006, the show would be completely different. Light years away from where it first started. Would I even like it now?

"Everwood" was filmed in Utah and Main Street in the town of Everwood was filmed on the same street my husband works on now. There were times he was kept inside Great Harvest in the morning because they were filming and they wouldn't let people out until they were done. I love spotting the different places in Utah and seeing the familiar shops on Everwood's main street that I find on 25th St. in Ogden. I seriously cried the day they tore down the train station facade. I even accosted poor Tom Amandes, who played Dr. Harold Abbott on the show, at Sundance on the street to tell him as much.

So why am I sad?

I think I have figured it out.

"Everwood" is my Mom to me. She is the one who got me addicted to the show when I dismissed it as another WB teen melodrama. We were both really passionate about the show. She even tried out to be an extra. My brother-in-law worked on the show and we would try to drain out of him all the "Everwood" info and trivia we could. My Mom and I would call each other every Monday night after a new episode aired to dissect, dish, and discuss. We cried together when Colin died, we gasped when it was revealed that Madison was pregnant, we cheered when Ephram and Amy finally got together, and we yelled, screamed, and complained when we learned it was going to be canceled. "Everwood" is honestly the only show I've ever watched that has the ability to reduce me to a heap of goo. I've wept. I've bawled. No other show has done that to me.

Now that my Mom is gone, I have no one to share "Everwood" with. When I got the first season, I would watch all the extras, all the commentary, and share them with my Mom.

Season two has left me feeling gypped. There is no commentary. Not even some of the original music. Nothing special but a few deleted scenes. Big whoop. What can you expect when it comes out 5 years after it aired? I can't help but feel, though, disappointed and betrayed. Kind of how I felt after my Mom died only infinitesimally smaller.

Watching "Everwood" makes me sad because it makes me miss my Mom. It's as simple as that. That is why I am sad when I watch it. I want to be able to call her after each episode and dish for hours. But I can't. And watching "Everwood" by myself now is just a reminder of what I've lost.

Lose It - Week 6

I gotta say...the new scale is "weigh" better than the old one. The new one measures in .2 pound increments instead of 1/2 pound increments, so I feel like I'm getting a more accurate reading.

This morning I got on the scale and from last Monday to this Monday....

I lost 3 pounds!

Normally I would be so stoked that I would be doing cartwheels in the street. Which would be a sight considering I've never been able to do a cartwheel in my life.

But the sad thing is I weighed myself last Tuesday. And it basically said that I had lost almost 2 pounds overnight. Which could be possible due to water retention, etc. So if I consider my weight from Tuesday to Monday.....

I lost 1 1/4 pounds

Cartwheel material? Hmm...I'm not sure.

The hubs is reminding me that loss is loss and I should be stoked. Yesterday was Fast Sunday at my church. That basically means that the first Sunday of every month we fast for 2 meals and donate the money we would have used on food to the poor. I was so hungry after getting out of church at 4:00, that I literally ate almost my full day's worth of calories at dinner. After the kids went to bed I got on my elliptical, popped in a movie, and proceeded to burn off every single calorie that I ate. I came in 2,648 calories under budget for the week. That is the most calories I've ever been under in a week.

I'll try to be happy that I am losing weight, although not as quickly as I would like. Maybe by this time next year I'll be at the weight that I wanna be at.

Look Ma, no hands!

Before yesterday I've never been fishing before.

Before yesterday, I never understood people who fish for fun. It seems rather boring to me. I once heard that there is a fine line between fishing and sitting in a boat all day getting drunk.

I live in one of possibly the most beautiful places on earth. Not only do I have a gorgeous view of the mountains from my front windows, but all I need to do is drive 5 minutes from my house to be instantly in the mountains, hiking, camping, swimming, and yes, fishing. I'm increasingly becoming more aware of how lucky I am to live here and how I never want to leave.

On a whim yesterday I tried something new. While camping at the hubs' grandparent's cabin, the hubs decided to take the kids fishing in the pond near the cabin. He had bought them their very own junior fishing rods. The hubs brother and his fiance were also planning on fishing in the pond. I decided to instead of staying back at the cabin and reading my book, which is so quintessentially me, but to go with them.

Suprisingly, I really had a good time. It was so peaceful and relaxing. Not to mention the breathtaking mountain views. Once my daughter caught her very first fish she decided she was done for the day. So the hubs taught me how to cast a line on her fishing rod. I had fun just practicing how to cast it farther out each time. I probably would have caught a couple of fish had I known to pull up once I saw my bobber go under water. I lost more than one bait to my inexperience.

Recently I took up yoga to help me relax and refocus my energy. There is something strange about the connection between fishing and yoga. Both are very relaxing. I felt connected to something greater than myself while I sat there enjoying the beautiful views God had provided for us. I told the hubs that I would like to do it again sometime. I can't think of a more wholesome family activity than fishing.

The best part was, despite four adults being there (and my brother-in-law being an experienced fisherman) only our two kids caught fish that day. My son was so excited he actually ate the rainbow trout he caught that night, which is unusual for his extreme food pickiness. I don't know, there's something kind of poetic about that.

But Daddy says Squirrel brains are good!

Last night I was mindlessly surfing the internet when I started hearing squeals from my children. They were sitting on the couch watching a show with my husband. I heard the word "squirrel" a lot so I figured they were watched something on Animal Planet. Whether they were or not remains to be seen.

My children think of Squirrels as cute cuddly little animals that they could possibly befriend if we had any in our area. What I mistook for squeals of delight thinking my children were loving watching a show on this furry little creature, were actually squeals of disgust as this program talked about how eating Squirrels in the South is very popular.

My daughter was aghast. "How can you eat a Squirrel?" she asked, "they're so cute."

My husband went on to explain that he had in fact eaten Squirrel when he was serving a mission in West Virginia. He said they did not taste like Chicken. And they apparently weren't very appetizing.

I went back to my mindless internet surfing wondering why my children were still watching a show that was disgusting them so badly. Squirrels on the BBQ? I guess it's like watching a train wreck. It's bloody. It's grotesque. But you can't look away.

Then the squeals really started getting louder. My daughter jumped off the couch yelling, "THAT IS DISGUSTING!" What could they be eating now? Puppies? Kittens? Orphaned Chipmunks?

Nope, Squirrel brains.

I reminded my daughter that when she went on a class field trip to the Nature Center that the workers there told them that Native Americans use to use brains to tan leather and that she actually got to watch them do it. She was not disgusted by this. In fact she was so delighted by it that she carefully explained the process to us over dinner that night.

I wonder though...Squirrels have small brains. How many Squirrel brains would you actually have to eat in order to feel full? Hopefully I never have to find out the answer on my own.